J.McCray
2018
We have very recently become aware of an emergency situation developing near the pub and two hotels of Balendup shire main.
Reports of what is being called a “Schooner mass overpopulation crisis” have begun to shed light on these distressing events and local authorities have urged bystanders to remain calm.
The combination of the day’s heat, and the eldritch temperature quality in each of the local watering holes’ keg room, has created “a perfect storm” for the schooners letting their numbers reach critical plague status.
One of the Shire Times reporters was on the scene.
“Absolute chaos has taken over Balendup main as the schooner crisis is reaching fever pitch. People are distraught, wandering the streets in shock, only able to mutter polite idioms such as ‘nice day for it.’
The owner of a local company McCray Electrical was seen entering Balendup hotel, & has not returned; Officials have since said that he’s either dead or very refreshed indeed.
It seems that schooners are being filled at an ever increasing rate, with some patrons becoming ‘Double-parked’ only to be trapped in a resonant feedback loop of recursive shouts. Local science teacher and ‘mathy type’ Malcolm Doolan had this to say about the crisis.
“I believe that this is in direct correlation with both the warming and rapid cooling of our flat earth.
Schooners, a capricious bacteria, are often inert due to the atmosphere’s calcium, but, much like pushing a balloon through a keyhole, eventually moist rubber is going to jam up the lock mechanism.”
After yelling this from the Balendup hotel no.2 Bowling green Malcom left, laughing without any further comment.”
We are now receiving reports that a local guitar player and musical therapist has been forced to play ‘I would walk 500 miles’ multiple times despite his weakening protests. The embattled musician is simply waiting for either the guitar strings or his own wrists to break, freeing him to go home.
We are advising all citizens of Balendup to avoid schooner rich areas or any nearby beer fridges.
If you become parched or you feel your right hand become warm please consult medical attention immediately, as you may have schooneritus.
In other news the Main St Bakery and Pet Crematorium has reported a record day in sales of their pies and sausage rolls.
Baker Elena Todd commented that
”Bleedin’ heck! Normally I’ve got time to chop up the nags of a Fridiy’ but I’ve been run off me coight with customers. I could use a bloody schooner or two that’s for sure!”
Mrs. Todd was later quarantined.
In weather news, the heat wave looks to be hanging around over the weekend with a southerly change passing over the ranges by Monday.
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