This handbook was created to give the new player, and those who drink to forget, information on the Balendup links golf course.
The course is tended by survivors of the community garden and is notable for its many hazards replacing the greens and fairways of the course’s 10 holes.
Hole 1 – Demon bluff
Par: 6
Distance: 81m
Hazards: Sand trap & loss of soul on a double bogey
The only hole that requires a blood sacrifice before tee off.
Without the ritualistic murder of at least a chicken, in the tee box, the ball will remain in place with no force able to dislodge it, baring divine intervention.
Unrelatedly, roast chicken is on special tonight at the bistro.
Hole 2 – Freeway Fairway
Par: 5
Distance: 400m
Hazards: Sandtrap, bunkers & motor vehicles
This hole was once a fairly straight par 4 but, the addition of a highway bypass across a large section of the green has added an extra par to this hole.
We have written to the council in hopes they will inform us of any future additions of roadways to our links course. Stay safe & please remember to look both ways before putting on the highway.
Hole 3 – The windmill hole
Par: 3
Distance: 3 meters
Hazards: A small wooden windmill
This short hole tricks many players attempting to putt through the windmill blades attempting to get a hole in 1. It may be a safer option to putt around the windmill and attempt a simple birdy.
If, while playing this hole, any spanish nobility attempt to attack the windmill please contact a greenskeeper.
Hole 4 – ????
Hole 4 does not exist.
Do not attempt to find hole 4.
Hole 5 – Steven Apsley Memorial hole
Par: 4
Distance: 120m
Hazards: Bunker, some aggressive ducks & existential crisis.
Although Mr Apsley is still a living member of the Golf club, the hole was named purely to remind him of his own mortality.
You will die one day Steve, I know you’re reading this!
Hole 6 – The bottomless hole
Par: 3
Distance: 84m
Depth of hole: Infinite
Hazards: Water trap & tear in the fabric of reality
This enjoyable hole is noted for its skirting along the beautiful Balendup shire stormwater runoff estuary. A drive and a gentle chip shot will see you landing closely to the green.
Be aware that no ball has ever been retrieved from the hole once scored, wherever they go is anyone’s guess.
Hole 7 – Lamplight
Par: 16
Distance: 50
Hazards: A complete absence of light
Lamplight is a tricky hole as the entire section of this course is covered by a complete and unwavering darkness. No illumination is capable of piercing this heavy dark and the laboured breathing that is heard always within inches of your ear puts off many a golfer’s swing.
Hole 8 – The spider’s nest
Pear: In season
Dissonance: High
Hazard lights: Recommended
This hole does not contain any spiders, it does however contain multiple hidden trap doors leading to an unknown dimension. Golfers who have escaped the doors have spoken of a twisting labyrinth and being chased by unseen footsteps ever following their panicked scramble.
Hole 9 – Burt’s elbow
Par: 3
Distance: 68m
Hazards: Fatigue, tired eyes & Loss of concentration
Burt’s elbow currently is infested with small mushrooms that uproot themselves and move about the course at night. Seemingly immune to pesticides the nocturnal fungus is expanding at a continual albeit manageable rate.
A Greenskeeper that was sent to try and mow over the affected areas returned with major bruising and a concussion.
Hole 10 – The club foyer
Par: 4
Distance: 50m
Hazards: walls, closed doors, other patrons.
The final hole in the Balendup links is a challenging par four held within the club house. Many players will try and drive through the dining area hoping for a lucky deflection off an innocent bystander waiting to be served by the bar.
Hitting the green, also known as the level 2, becomes a simple putt into the runic glyphs, thus retrieving your soul & freeing you from the eternal torment of the links course
Well done you have escaped the golf course!
Please think of visiting the pro shop on your way out and maybe buying a commemorative spoon.
Jacob McCray
-2018
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