The following transcript is a brief excerpt of Balendup 1642-AM’s weekend morning show.
As it is a recent legislative requirement for all radio broadcasts in Balendup to be logged by stenographer, the transcript is presented here, unedited and without omission.
You have been warned.
[Song ends]
Well Good day to you Balendup.
Sure is bright out there this morning with the weather bureau suggesting that shadows may have a 30% chance of evaporating later into the afternoon. Continuing, they also have advised that if your own shadow begins to feel different or unusually tacky in any way, to please seek the shade of the nearest gazebo immediately; All residents are asked to avoid any unnecessary jumping or joyful skipping.
Not to be outdone the Bureau of Tautology has published the exact same report, albeit in fahrenheit for an unknown reason–A spokesperson was asked for clarification on this report but was unable to be reached or contacted.
In town news Local busybody Gladyss Myryll has contacted the station with a 500 page essay on what she has titled ‘The scandal of leaf litter and proper etiquette regarding the take a book leave a book’. A quick skim through this impenetrable grimoire of a gossip column has left me physically drained and well in need of a quiet moment to cry… Thanks for the tip off Gladyss! Where do you find the time?
[Yelled off-microphone] Anne! Turn on the fan will you; I’m starting to feel like there’s soup in my shoes over here. [Coughs] Maybe bring in some new socks as well. [Sounds of dripping water]
…
You’re on Balendup 1642-AM: end of the band? That’s 1642, Stay tuned.
[Musical interlude]
[Song ends]
Ali Crenpipe there with ‘Distance is the greatest form of distance’. A surprise hit on the local charts, back in 1983, Ali wrote the song while lightly jogging away from what witnesses described as a fox hunt gone horribly awry. She later said of the song, when interviewed from her hospital bed, that, ‘Inspiration was much like a magpie: calm, bold and malicious during nesting season.’
You’re on Balendup 1642-AM and I’m your weekend breakfast host Al Rundle, here with you for the next few hours on what looks to be a gorgeous Sunday.
Should be an interesting day, out downtown, with the annual Balendup markets in full swing. All this weekend the well established marketplace has overtaken the local park, defending their territory with extreme prejudice. Local man Aurin Goodsir was struck with a jar of artisanal honey after straying too close to the market and is recuperating safely at home. Seeking shelter under a tussock, Aurin was able to run to safety after the bombardment of locally grown fresh produce had a moment’s pause, presumably as the market revelers took a moment to sing a song in praise of the harvest moon.
The Marketplace has been described by witnesses as ‘a fortress that looms draconically within the park; a burtilist monolith of marquees and trestle tables that evokes fear and helplessness to all those who behold it’, people are advised to avoid the area at this time.
…Information has just come to light that raiding parties have been spotted patrolling the edges of Balendup town park. The groups appear to be armed with dream catchers and old DVD box sets, they should not be approached under any circumstances; stay safe out there Balendup.
In local sporting news the woodland fun run has been cancelled this year as the ever-shifting pines of Balendup state forest have grown so dense that not even sunlight can permeate the tangled branches.
Runners who have already begun the race are advised to panic.
Stay with us on Balendup 1642 as after the break as we’re going to discuss Bog witches. Are they the twisted evils of our own making or do they just need a wash?
[Advertisement interlude]
J.McCray
2020
Sunday Short Stories 