Balendup finishes strong against Dundelong rivals.
As taken from the Balendup Tributary September 25, 1986.
For a stenographer’s typeset recording of all Northern Flats League matches, please apply to your local library for access to archive 03T13. This is presented as originally broadcasted on 1642 Balendup AM without further context.
Good morning, and welcome to the breakfast show. It’s a beautiful day in Balen–
*Static interrupts broadcast for fifteen seconds*
–so avoid the area if at all possible.
In local sport, the annual grudge match between Balendup FC and the United Dundelong Rams took place at Dundelong oval yesterday, with the gathered crowd being treated to a classic example of barbaric pugilism and highly skilled bush football. The long-standing rivalry between the teams is always fiery affair and several skirmishes looked set to delay the match for some time and resulted in the pre-match warm up portion of the event undoing the work of several co-organised barbeques.
While the Rams and Balendup FC compete in different sporting codes–Balendup playing Australian rules and the Rams Rugby Union–the bout is now considered a major highlight of the Balendup ranges sporting calendar and has been described as a veritable charcuterie platter of contrasting rules and conceptually vague interceptions.
Despite the match’s humble beginnings, due to an incredibly glaring clerical error, the free-flowing nature of each encounter has been praised for its lack of common sense and has led to a blacklisting by the CWA due to “a low value to society” and its being “an idiot’s half-step behind legitimate physical warfare.”
Nyal Korgan, the big left footer from Dundelong, began proceedings by thumping the ball into the air with an enthusiastic fervency so potent that a priest had to be called onto the field in an effort to settle the excited ruckman down.
The unnamed clergyman, who was deemed to enter the game as a legal substitution, went on to star for the Rams, booting three goals and scoring a late try to cap off what was a deified performance.
After a brief report from the Dundelong club doctor, Cuddy Burke, it is believed that Nyal spent the remainder of the first half calmly muttering to himself and was then seen to be partially levitating in the center of a salt circle while being attended to by the club physiotherapist.
While the Tribune is in fact at liberty to speculate on events that it was not fully privy too, it has been suggested by station management that the theological exorcism practices of local sporting leagues should be kept ‘off air’ and we wish Nyal a full recovery.
Jumping out to an early lead, the Rams would then squander several chances in front of goal before a loose carry would allow them back into the contest with a thrilling solo-try from halfback, Shaun Redly, who streaked down the left-hand boundary and was then arrested for public indecency.
Taking his first shot at goal, Rams, ruck forward, Ben Karlof, managed to eat the metaphorical carrot before pulling it from the ground, as his jubilant celebrations were quickly undone by his watching the ball disappear up the other end of the ground whilst he rode atop his teammate’s shoulders, thus, leading to an equalisation of the scores with a superb chip-chase-fumble-pass out the back from Balendup winger, Ronny O’thelo.
Balendup would carry their momentum all the way to the sheds at half time, severely damaging the fence, and a few of the patrons, as they stormed past in a flurry of knees and elbows.
Halftime speeches are known to be a colorful affair at Balendup oval, as the natural amphitheater of the change rooms project the coaches’ voices resplendently back toward the ground with an acoustic resonance comparable to Carnegie Hall.
Such was the vitriolic spray of adjective laden hostilities that any allusion to the subject matter of both speeches in this radio program would lead to our cancelation, and in judging by the blushing faces of the players as they ran back onto the field five minutes before scheduled resumption, the desired effect had its moment to sink in.
To begin the third half in its traditional manner, umpire, Errol Kingsley, was struck by an unfortunate error of judgment that led to his throwing up of the ball up in quite dramatic fashion, thus ruining the grass and causing distress to several of the players.
Unsure at how he had managed to ingest the ball during the break, play was delayed for some time as the umpire took a good lie down and the ground staff were sent in search for a towel.
Play would be allowed to resume shortly after the cleanup, and a small area was roped off with the match referee citing “Player safety.”
After two more quarters and a misguided attempt at a middle third, the game was called to a close and Balendup collected the line honors for the second year in a row.
Final scores were:
Dundelong: 12.2.26+16
Balendup: 13.phiCOS.47 & 1/2
Best on ground was awarded to ball boy Leo Fridley for managing to find fifteen teeth and a contact lens after the match.
J. McCray
2022
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