🎾 The Balendup Open

“Below is a short excerpt of the Balendup Oval local tennis tournament, originally broadcast on the nineteenth of September (1991) by Balendup AM. As all AM broadcasts are legally mandated to be recorded by a stenographer, we are able to present this now declassified document in its original format without further context.
-Mel Harris, the Balendup library archival team.”  

You are listening to end of the dial, 1642 Balendup AM and the time is fifteen minutes past the hour.

We are now mere moments away from the resumption of final match of the day, with Alice Skuttle taking on the number one seed, Ellenor Gardener, and despite the late season chill, a good crowd has gathered on the hill of Balendup Oval to watch what will surely be a moment to remember in ungrouped regional tennis.
There was a minor delay to what could be the final set of match, as Mrs Skuttle’s dog ran off with the game ball during the break and a quick emu bob had to be arranged to scour shrubland for the energetic kelpie.
In this time, the waiting crowd took to the canteen’s sausage sizzle with some fervour and the small double door beer fridge was drained, stocked, and then drained again.
With ball found and crowd duly settled, the attendants and officals returned to the storied bitumen court of Balendup number one, and discussions were begun on if the game was agreed to be three sets or five.    

While the Balendup tennis association is unaligned to any official governance, the rich history of the area has led the tournament to be regarded the best in the LGA, and its role in the ethos of Australia’s sporting history is simply unmistakeable. From the marathon matches of the Greater Dundelong skirmishes, to the town’s mandatory competitive attendance of the 1960s, the tournament has been woven into the fabric of Balendup since the very first net was strung across the road into town and year after year the tradition has continued.

Speaking of roads, the playing surface has been a topic of some controversy across the open with the regular late-day cracks failing to open up on the court and the road-base substrate remaining firmly intact under foot. When asked for comment, the head curator of the tennis courts declined comment and has since been dismissed for their quality workmanship.
While the court may be safer for the competing athletes, the dynamically deteriorating surface is a staple of the Balendup Open and the punters will be disappointed not to be able to grab a pocketful of bitumen before they head home as a souvenir.

A light applause has begun to break out amongst the chorus of boos, as the match official, Michael ‘Pigeon’ Feeder has reemerged from behind the dressing sheds and has begun to make his way back to the court.
Michael is recovering after the cricket club’s spring cleaning yesterday and if he can make his way back up to the umpire’s chair unassisted, it will be nothing short of a minor miracle.

And here are the athletes!
Alice and Ellenor are both greeted by a warm applause as they make their way onto the court and no love seems to be lost between the two as they jostle each other in an effort to be the first through the picket gate.
While this may be the first official match between the two, workplace colleagues Alice and Ellenor have been caught serving various pieces of office stationery at each other in what is a terrible display of negatively geared sports psychology.
And don’t the crowd love to see it!

Something’s happened here! Yes, Alice Skuttle seems to have taken a kit bag to the ribs and in return has chopped Gardner in the back of her knee. The officials stream in, and a scum has been formed to separate the two before this turns into a boxing match. And let me say that it’s lucky that there will be a net between these two athletes in a moment as the sense of occasion is threatening to boil over.

“Will Mrs Skuttle, and Mrs Gardner please take their places.”
Match official, Michael Feeder there asking for a return to civility as Alice and Ellenor untangle themselves and attempt a sporting-like handshake.

In recent memory no two athletes have been so solely focused on winning their opening match of a tournament and a finals-like tension has settled over the moment as Alice is just one set away from victory.
Alice, of course making her way through to last year’s semi-finals, has long history with the Balendup Open and is hoping to advance for the first time past the commemorative teaspoon that fourth though to fifteenth all receive as a memory of their failures.

The players are ready now.
Focus drawn across their faces, Ellenor Gardner and Alice Skuttle both stand ready to receive serve.
“Will Mrs Gardner please pay attention to the attendant, you have the serve.”
Tactical brilliance on display from Ellenor, refusing to acknowledge her service and hissing at the ball attendant whenever they offer her the ball.
A defensive player, Ellenor will remember surrendering last year’s open final through a double time-fault and will reluctantly have to take serve.

“Play.”

Gardner serves to Skuttle, Skuttle returns with a slicing backhand and knocks the ball towards centre court. Gardner now, skipping easily across the bitumen and lashes a hard forehand back towards Skuttle, who seems equal to the task. Gardner to Skuttle, Skuttle back to Gardner. A strong forehand down the left line is met with a backhand down the right. Gardner to the net now with some ascendancy. Skuttle gets there and lofts the ball high, all eyes on the ball. And Skuttle is down! Gardner strikes, the ball lands, fifteen – love to Gardner as Alice Skuttle regains her feet and looks to be rubbing her jaw with some confusion. So high was the ball struck that all eyes left the court for a moment and it appears that Alice had received the blunt end of some kind of foul play. The medical team checks on Mrs Skuttle but are waved away after the first aid kit is found to only contain pickle juice and brandy.

Quiet returns to the court.
The ball is bounced, thrown, and cannoned down for a thumping ace, thirty – love to Gardner and the veteran Alice Skuttle seems to be shaken.

Gardner smiles, casually lofting the ball into the air and serving a looping strike that skips up with some pace. Alice, wild-eyed and bundled with fury, lashes at the ball and returns serve powerfully into the feet of Gardner, yorking her and sending the crowd into rapturous applause as Skuttle scores her first point of the game.
Serve, strong return, forehand into the net, thirty all. Skuttle is on fire here as she walks along the service line pushing her jaw back into its spot and causing three members of attendant staff to faint.

Thirty all, and all to play for both athletes.
Gardner serves well, the ball fizzing through the air as it is returned with equal vigour. Wack! Again, Gardner bludgeons the ball back to Alice and again Alice is equal to the task. Forehand meets forehand, power and power, both athletes are attempting to out hit the other and the ball is in danger of getting hit and staying hit if this keeps up.
Skuttle strikes and Gardner returns—the racket is dropped! Gardner slams an overhanded spike down the court and loses grip on her racket in the process. Skuttle returns volley and Gardner looks lost, no! She strides to the ball and punches it over the net with a tremendous right hook. The ball sails, fleetly passing the outstretched racket of Alice and continuing on into the jubilant crowd. Thirty – Forty-five to Skuttle, hand-fault to Gardner, and a string of expletives to be thrown at the umpire.

‘You can’t punch the ball.”

“I’ll punch you in a minute!”

The crowd are on their feet now, cheering with a dizzy passion as the occasion reaches climax. No person at the oval is left sitting as more and more of the cricket club’s leftover homebrew is passed around and taken.  
Match point.
Gardner, ever professional, steels herself and sends the ball expertly over the net, admiring the arc of her shot. Alice returns smartly with a backhand and Gardner spins, slicing the ball back at an off-speed. Skuttle leaps, sliding across the court and striking the ball with an impressive return. Gardner now, charging the net at full pace plays a drop shot that may take some reaching. Skuttle lunges at the ball with a blistering pace, managing to lift it over the net mere millimetres away from its second bounce. Momentum continues and they’ve jumped the net! Both athletes, unyielding to common sense have each leapt onto their opponent’s side of the net and are continuing to play out the point.
Alice strikes, Gardner returns, Alice again! She’s done it! Alice Skuttle has driven the ball away from the reach of Gardner and taken the match against her own side of the court.
The crowd have streamed onto the arena and are celebrating the first-round match as if it were a world title.
Hold on. I’m getting word that we may need to check the legality of winning a point against yourself for a moment.

The match officials have gathered in a quiet corner as the celebrations continue and by the waving of their arms seem to be at an impasse.  
Lost in the crowd, both Alice and Ellenor are being championed as winners in their own right and no matter the result, this match it will be remembered as a miraculous piece of tennis folklore that will take some leaps of creative reason when explaining to the next generation.

They’re on the move now, arm in arm, the people of Balendup are moving in the direction of the pub and it seems that the result has been ratified. What a match! In all my years of broadcasting I have never felt such a privilege to-

Mate, you can’t come in here, we’re on the air
…
What? Open bar? Um…Listeners, the final scores are,

Alice Skuttle: 6 – 4 – 6
Ellenor Gardner: 3 – 6 – 5

This has been 1642 Balendup AM.

*Transmission ends*

~

J. McCray
2024