Bandelup v Dundelong: A Cricket Match

The following is a recording of the 1982 test match between the Balendup cricket club and the Old Dundelong rams. It has been reproduced with the tireless work of several archivists and is today presented in full and without further context.
You’re listening to Balendup 1642AM.

Umpires:
Wesley Frogmouth
Alexi Bishop

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Yes and welcome back listeners to the fifth day of this test-match between the Balendup Fruit-pickers and the Old Dundelong rams, played here at Balendup Council Oval.
It’s been a fairly eventful test since the start of play on Monday, and we will resume today after not only losing the previous session to rain, but further having lost the entire night beyond to rampant drinking.

Many of the players were looking a bit dusty just before the scheduled start of play this morning, but after a brunch break was agreed to by each of the captains the match was rescheduled to begin at sometime around one o’clock, under the guise of the wicket still being a bit sticky.
Taking advantage of the later start many of the players took this chance to reflect on their mistakes and have a–ahem–technicolour yawn, somewhere behind the dressing sheds.
Luckily for those seated in the above grandstand, the drainage down there is of pretty high class and after a bit of a hose everything looked almost as good as new; Blake Wickson, the head groundskeeper, even commented that the tiles had never looked so clean…
In developing news, Alex Da’ford of the Rams, may be an unofficial withdrawal from today as he was seen to be passed out atop the covers just as they were dragged in and packed away. Unfortunately for Alex he appears to have been missed in the origami of disinterested stowing of these covers, and the umpires have announced that they are hoping to find him sometime after tea; we will provide updates as they come.

The Fruit-pickers will be starting today with all the momentum behind them after securing three quick wickets before play was called to an end yesterday.
The mercurial ‘please hit me’ bowling action of right armer, Bert Cressword, had managed to dry up the runs–going well against his historical record– trapping the Ram’s Roland Bottle for 16 and forcing Dean Playsley to leave one onto his stumps while he was on 24.
Dean’s mistake was believed by many to be a momentary paralysis of reason brought about due to Roland managing to actually land one on the stumps, the dismissed batsman was heard to yell “Surely not” shortly before being bowled and proceed to then bellow a rather adjective-laden speech while he was walking off.
Balendup 1642AM does wish to apologise to listeners yesterday for broadcasting this and for any offence that it may have incurred.

Opening bowler for the Pickers, Tom Mchannon, grabbed the other wicket, ending the session and bringing a close what was a fairly enjoyable day’s play.
The Rams, while still needing two-hundred and fifty runs, will be mildly confident in reaching the Fruit-pickers’ total, with in-form batsman Dennis Kent, still at the crease on 54, and the experienced bat of Ben Kettlestring unbeaten on 12.
Norman Rayley, the nightwatchman who is currently borrowing Ben’s bat, is technically the man in, but from this commentator’s point of view, Ben is more of a passive participant in the partnership and the bat alone will be doing most of his run scoring, particularly the area around its edges.

Going over the play so far we’ve had a seesawing type of test match with no side being able to capitalise on their momentum. Balendup successfully argued the toss and managed to score 321 in their first innings, with brothers Matt and Alan Hollow both scoring a combined average of 45.3 runs. As it was too hard for the scorers to identify which of the brothers was at the crease at any given moment, their scores were counted cumulatively.
One of them, anyway, fell in the 22nd over of the day and, thankfully for the scorers, his brother was also out the very next over without adding another run.
Yorick Newim-Well was the pick of the Rams bowlers in the 1st innings, taking 4/31 off his 17 overs and delivering an absolute brute of a bouncer that sent Balendup captain, Michael ‘Pidgeon’ Feeder off to receive some stitches.

Scoring 204 in reply, the Rams will rue a series of false starts and failing to find an answer for the swing bowling of Karl Yarnson.
Karl, who was seen with his lucky block of savol tucked into his sock throughout the day, had managed a beautiful bit of ball maintenance on day two, achieving an even soapy shine as well as a decently moisturised rough that helped him “Hoop the bloody thing round a block of flats”(sic) and claim 5 wickets for not too many runs.

283 was then scored in Balendup’s second innings, allowing them to declare as they reached an imposing total of 400 runs in front.
Plenty of action to come here at Balendup Council oval with a minimum ninety overs to be played in the day, and the possibility of a further thirty if enthusiasm defies logic.

The time is quarter to one and just before we cross to the news I’d like to take a moment and send a special cheerio to Alan Wayley from the Fruit-Pickers. Alan today is scoring his three-hundredth test match for the club and it is fairly remarkable how he’s still managed to take up the no.2 pencil after never really offering to do it, well done Alan; hopefully they’ll listen to your baleful moans one of these days soon.
You’re listening to end of the dial Balendup 1642 AM and we hope you’ll join us for the start of play between the Balendup Fruit-pickers and the Old Dundelong Rams, coming up, right after these messages.

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J.McCray
2020